Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex: How to Protect Your Relationship with Your Kids

Navigating co-parenting is challenging under the best circumstances, but when an ex actively works to turn your children against you, it becomes an uphill battle. This dynamic, often referred to as parental alienation, can have long-term psychological and emotional effects on children.

In Coparenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You, psychologist Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D., provides crucial insights into how alienating behaviors develop, how they impact children, and what targeted parents can do to maintain their bond.

At The Law Offices of Edgar & Dow, Attorneys Bill Edgar and Brian Dow have extensive trial experience in highly contested custody cases involving multiple expert witnesses. We have successfully fought for parents in cases where alienation tactics were used, ensuring that the court recognizes and addresses these harmful behaviors.

In this blog post, we’ll discuss key takeaways from Baker’s book and provide practical and legal strategies to help parents dealing with this difficult situation.

Understanding Parental Alienation

Parental alienation occurs when one parent (the alienating parent) manipulates a child into rejecting the other parent (the targeted parent) without a valid reason. This can be done through:

• Badmouthing the other parent (e.g., calling them irresponsible, abusive, or unloving).
• Limiting contact (e.g., making excuses to prevent visits, ignoring court orders).
• Making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent (e.g., “If you loved me, you wouldn’t want to see your dad/mom.”).
• Rewriting history (e.g., telling the child the other parent was never there for them).

The goal of the alienating parent is often control—they want to sever the child’s emotional connection with the other parent for personal revenge, insecurity, or manipulation.

Key Lessons from Amy Baker’s Book

1. Recognizing Alienating Behaviors

Baker outlines 17 common strategies toxic co-parents use to alienate children, including:

• Telling the child the other parent doesn’t love them.
• Forcing the child to choose sides.
• Making the child spy on or reject the other parent.
• Undermining the other parent’s authority.

Recognizing these behaviors early can help you take steps to counteract them before they cause lasting damage.

2. Understanding the Impact on Kids

Children who experience alienation often develop anxiety, low self-esteem, guilt, and confusion. They may eventually reject the targeted parent, not because of personal experiences, but because they have been conditioned to believe they should.

Baker emphasizes that alienated children are not just “angry” or “difficult”—they are victims of emotional manipulation. If left unaddressed, alienation can carry into adulthood, leading to resentment and strained relationships even after they are no longer under the alienating parent’s influence.

3. How to Respond Effectively

Baker provides practical strategies for targeted parents to fight against alienation while keeping the child’s best interests at heart:

• Stay calm and composed. Alienating parents want an emotional reaction—don’t give it to them.
• Never badmouth the alienating parent in return. This puts the child in a loyalty bind and may reinforce the alienation.
• Be consistent and reliable. Show up for visitations, school events, and activities. Even if your child seems distant, your presence matters.
• Encourage critical thinking. Instead of arguing with the child’s false beliefs, ask gentle questions: “That’s interesting. Can you tell me more about why you think that?”
• Seek legal intervention if necessary. If the alienation escalates, courts may modify custody orders or require therapy.

Legal Strategies for Targeted Parents

From a legal perspective, alienation can be difficult to prove, but not impossible. Courts recognize that children benefit from both parents unless there is a legitimate reason (such as abuse or neglect) to limit contact.

1. Document Everything

Keep records of:
✔️ Missed visitations and interference.
✔️ Emails, text messages, or social media posts that show alienation.
✔️ Statements from teachers, coaches, or therapists.

2. File for a Custody Modification

If alienation is harming the child, the court may modify custody or order reunification therapy. Judges may look at:
✔️ The child’s sudden hostility toward one parent.
✔️ Signs of coaching or influence by the alienating parent.
✔️ Psychological evaluations confirming alienation.

3. Use Expert Witnesses

At The Law Offices of Edgar & Dow, we have successfully litigated high-conflict custody cases involving multiple expert witnesses, including:
✔️ Child psychologists to evaluate the impact of alienation.
✔️ Custody evaluators to assess parental influence.
✔️ Therapists to recommend reunification therapy when necessary.

These expert testimonies can be critical in proving alienation and securing custody modifications.

4. Consider Court-Appointed Professionals

A custody evaluator or parenting coordinator can assess whether the alienation is occurring and make recommendations to the court.

5. Focus on Long-Term Connection

Even if legal options are limited, time is on your side. Many alienated children eventually recognize the truth when they grow older. Maintain a steady, loving presence in their lives.

Final Thoughts: Is This Book Helpful?

Amy Baker’s book is an invaluable resource for parents dealing with a toxic ex. It provides practical tools, psychological insights, and real-world strategies to help targeted parents maintain their relationships with their children.

However, it’s important to combine these insights with legal action when necessary. No book can replace the need for court orders, legal representation, and professional guidance in severe alienation cases.

At The Law Offices of Edgar & Dow, we have successfully represented parents in cases where alienation was a major issue. With decades of trial experience in high-conflict custody battles, our firm understands what it takes to prove parental alienation and fight for what’s best for your child.

If you’re struggling with a toxic co-parent, don’t give up. Alienation can feel like an impossible battle, but with persistence, patience, and the right legal strategy, you can work to protect your bond with your child.

Need help navigating parental alienation in court?

📞 Contact The Law Offices of Edgar & Dow today to discuss your legal options.